Hello, beautiful soul!
I got engaged a few days ago. Wow, I still can’t believe it! And it feels very weird to write and say it out loud (especially because it’s 2AM and I’m alone in a dark bedroom). I was extremely happy that so many people were happy for me, because I didn’t feel very happy at first. I mean, I did. But not as happy as I had expected. When I imagined this moment, I never expected to feel this way. My happiness was overshadowed by fear.
It took me almost five years to finally believe that I could have a boyfriend who wouldn’t leave me all of a sudden or cheat on me. Yes. My father left when I was very young and I have daddy issues. I’ve never had a male role model for these situations. All I’ve ever seen in my life are people breaking up, getting divorced, cheating on each other etc. And now, when I was finally starting to believe that there is a chance I might be so lucky to have met somebody who won’t leave, something changed. He proposed to me and now we’re engaged. I no longer have a boyfriend, I now have a fiancè and I find myself in square one again. I am once again scared that he might leave. The fear of him possibly breaking my heart is overshadowing my happiness. It’s not a tiny little fear somewhere deep down. It’s an annoying, all-consuming, depressing fear. I know it’s dumb, he’s the same person and nothing has really changed. But I can’t help it, that’s just the way I feel. I feel that there is no way I am special or lucky enough to have met somebody who won’t eventually leave. And there is no way for me to know what will happen in the future. It scares me, because I like knowing and being in control of all situations. I’ve been spending a lot of time now, telling myself that nothing has changed and that everything will be allright. It’s not easy, because I find it very hard to let my guard down and I know it’s going to take some time till I get used to this new situation. I thought I’d never get used to wearing the ring too, but it’s been about two days now and I’m so used to it, I don’t even feel it anymore. Baby steps, I guess.
I must add that my fiancè has been an absolute angel, constantly reasurring me and always supporting me. Even when I’m acting crazy. Thank you, love!
I wasn’t going to write this. But then I thought some people might find it interesting – what is hiding behind that beautiful picture on Facebook of an engagement ring. And maybe somebody somewhere has/is/will feel the same and won’t feel so alone after reading this.
Thank you for reading and I’ll see you soon!
P.S. I’ve re-read this at least four times and every time I found a mistake somewhere. I am sorry if there still are some. I am writing this on my phone, it’s late and I am exhausted.